Hogwarts Rules

Harry Potter.
Things I am not allowed to do at Hogwarts.


The giant squid is not an appropriate date for the yule ball.

Starting a betting pool in the fate of this years Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.

Seamus Finnigan is not after me lucky charms.

I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.

42 is not the question to everything on the OWLs.

I am not to owl copies of the evil overlord to suspected Death Eaters.

I will not take out life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

Professor Flitwick‘s first name is not Yoda.

I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes professor.

When fighting death eaters in the annual June battle of Good vs. Evil I will not lift my wand skywards an shout "There can only be ONE!!“  

I will not say the Phrase "Dude, get a life.“ To lord Voldemort.

I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the History section of the library.

There is not now, nor has there ever been a fifth house at Hogwarts. And I am not a member of that house nor am I its founder.

I will not make any jokes about Remus Lupin and his  "Time of the month“.

I will not Refer to the Accio charm as "the force“.

I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations .

Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

I am not to use silencing charms on my professors.

I will not claim my X-files tapes are "Auror training videos“.

I will under no circumstances say to Harry "Who died and made you boss?“

When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce  "These are not the droids you are looking for“.

I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with lord Voldemort.

I will not follow potions instructions in reverse order just to see what happens.

I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paint balling.

I will not lock the Slytherins and the Gryffindors in a room together and take bets which house will come out alive.

I will not give Hagrid Pokémon cards and convince him that they are real animals.

Sticking the golden snitch down Draco Malfoy‘s pants is not funny, even though it makes him scream like a little girl.

I will not teach the house elves to impersonate Jar Jar Binks.

I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Womping Willow.

Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.

I will not attempt to magically animate my marshmallow peeps.

I will never ask Harry if his scar senses are tingling.

Voldemort is not Ganandorf and the Triforce is not hidden at Hogwarts.

I will not sing the entire multiplication rock series during my Arithmancy exams.

I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand.

I will not dress up as Voldemort for Halloween.

I will not wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.

It is not necessary for me to yell "BAMF!!“ every time I  apparate.

I will not steal the Gryffindor‘s sword from Dumbledore‘s office and use it to patrol the hallways.

I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways.

Its a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes him self to seriously.

"To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys“ is not an appropriate career choice.

I will not sing "We‘re off to see the Wizard“ when i am sent to the headmasters office.

I will not hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout "I have the power!“.

If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!!!“ may be correct but is not the manner in which one should answer.

I will not yell "Believe it...or not!“ after any of Dumbledore‘s speeches.

I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is  the voice of God.

I will not tell Sir Cadogan that the knights that say Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have students yell "Ni“ from various Directions.

I will not bring a magic eight ball to Divination class.

Albus Dumbeldore‘s proper title is "Headmaster“ not "my liege“.

I am not allowed to declare an official hug a Slytherin day.

If a classmate falls asleep I'm not to take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

It is generally accepted that cats and dragons cannot interbreed and i should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.

I am not allowed to refer to Susan Bones, Hanna Abbot and Justin Finch-Fletchley as Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup.

I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful“.

I will not sing the Badger song during the Hufflepuff-Slytherin Quidditch matches.

No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during care of magical creatures class.

Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?“ and walking  away is only funny the first time.

"OMGWTF!“ is not a spell.

If a thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume I am not allowed to do it.

It is not necessary for me to yell "BURN!“ every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.

When death eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, i shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout, "To the bat mobile Robin!“

I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colors indicate that they are "Covered in bees“.

Growing Marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not an extra credit project for Herbology.

"I‘v heard every possible joke about Oliver wood‘s name“ is not a challenge.

I will not use Umbridge‘s quill to write "I told you i was hardcore.“

House elves are not acceptable replacements for bludgers.

I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "Bookends“.

I will not refer to the Patil twins as "Bookends“.

I will not provide Luna Lovegood with coast-to-coast AM transcripts.

Tricking a school house elf in to stripping does not mean that they are mine now, even if I yell "PWNED!“

I am not a tribble animagus.

Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

I will not lick Trevor.

I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.

There is no such thing as an invisibility thong.

Professor Flitwick does not wish to be addressed as "Admiral Naismith“.

Its a bad idea to tell professor MacGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

I will stop asking when we will learn to make "love potion number nine“.

I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.

I will not cast the occasional Obliviate spell on Dumbledore, even if it would be amusing.

I am not allowed to give the Gryffindors Pixie stix.

I will not douse Harry potter‘s invisibility cloak with lemon juice to see if he will become visible when wearing it and standing near the fire in the common room.

I will not tell first years that moon prism power is a basic transfiguration spell.

I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "Knights of the Round Table“ for the Christmas feast.

I will not call professor MacGonagall "MacGoggles“.

I am not allowed to reenact famous battles of the Revolutionary war in the charms corridor.

I am not allowed to introduce myself to the first years as Tim the Enchanter.

I am not Xena: warrior princess and i will not use my war cries to signal my entrance in to any classroom.

I am not allowed to begin each Herbology class by singing the theme song to "the attack of the killer tomatoes“.

I am not allowed to paint the house elves blue.

I will not organize a Hogwarts fight club.

I will not dress up in a Dementor suit and use a dust buster on Harry‘s lips to get him to do what i want.

I will not start food fights in the great hall.

I will not scare the new Arithmancy students with my calculus book.

The Womping Willow is not an Entwife.

I am not the King of the Potato people and I do not have a flying carpet.

Getting everyone into the great hall to Time Warp will not earn me any house points.

I will not call Dumbledore, Santa during the holidays.

I will not go to any fundamentalist websites an argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of "intelligent design“.

I will not convince the house elves to unionize.

The muggle known as George W. Bush is not working for Lord Voldemort in any way, and I am to stop insinuating that  he is.

There are spoons. I will not destroy, transfigure, disappear or rename the cutlery so that there are no spoons.

Attempting to create real tribbles expressly forbidden. Specially if its for extra credit in the care for magical creatures class.

Enchanting the sorting hat to sort new students in to the house of Martok, or any other Klingon house is forbidden.

Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the US constitution does not apply to any of its students.  Therefor 'Avada Kedavra‘ does not fall under 1st Amendment freedom of speech rights.

Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.

"You might be a pureblood if...“ jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slitherins.

The condition of professor Snapes hair has nothing to do with the muggle movie "there‘s something about mary“.

It is exceptionally tasteless to tell professor Lupin that    "once you go black, you never go back“.

Professor Snape is not the Metatron.

I am not allowed to ask pureblood students things like, "if your parents go divorced will they still be brother and sister?“

I will not teach the Veelas the lyrics to "Oops, i did it again“, even if they ask nicely.

I do not have a Pikachu Patronus, no matter how kick ass that would be.

I will not refer to house elves as "self-disciplining submissives“.

Despite the fact that it takes place in a dungeon, i may not safe word out of the potions class.

Asking professor Snape how to make a love potion is not recommended.

I will not sell pennies as priceless muggle collector coins.

Stealing Draco Malfoy‘s belongings and selling them on eBay to fangirls is not ethical nor profitable (note to self: steal Harry Potter‘s stuff instead).

The "I hate Snape“ club is not a valid after-class activity.

I will not refer to Ron Weasly as "That red-headed twit“ in polite company (impolite company is just fine).

I will not sell Umbridge‘s quill to emo students, specially if they‘re no good at poetry.

I will not say to Ron and Hermione "Get a room“ whenever they start to fight.

The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.

Just because the black guy dies first in muggle movies does not mean that it will happen to Kingsley.

I will not send shampoo to Snape's office, no matter how badly he needs it.

Making Harry Potter action figures without his permission is wrong. Making Draco Malfoy pay double for them is also wrong.

Screaming "VOLDEMORT!!“  in crowded hallways is not in good taste.

"Potter 6, Voldemort 0“ is not a valid T-shirt slogan.

I will not charm Firenze pink and call him "my little pony“.

Do not ask professor Sinistra to show you "Uranus“.

A good way to piss Hermione off: write "Hermione Granger was here“ on on multiple library books, thereby banning here from the library.

Singing "I wish i where a rich man“ around the Weasley‘s is rude.

I will not Polyjuce myself and a friend to look like Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, then  kiss in public.

Singing "Slytherins are sexier“ in potion‘s class will not get me extra points.

Asking professor Flitwick if there is a charm to remove clothes, or give x-ray vision, is not permitted.

It is exceptionally obnoxious to serenade professor Lupin with  "Moon  river“.

The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror“.

Sirius Black is not #24601

Shaving Mrs. Norris is not public service.

I am not to refer to the potions classroom as "Kitchen stadium“.

I will not address the professor with a loud "Heil Umbrigde!“ and accompanying salute.

I am not allowed to use a Time Turner while playing war (or any other board game for that matter).

Even though they are easier to use (and probably more effective), i will not use guns against death eaters.

I am not allowed to ask Nearly headless Nick about Elvis.

Having Colin and Dennis Creevy follow Harry Potter all day is a cruel and unusual punishment.

Forming a LBGT support group on campus is permissible. Claiming that it was founded in 1945 by Tom Riddle is not.

I will not tell Grawp that "Hermy“ will give him a kiss if he eats certain members faculty.

Dobby, though he apparently went to grammar school with him, is NOT Yoda in disguise.

Telling the first years about the time your friend got eaten by the giant quid is not appropriate. Ever.

I will stop charming professor Snape‘s robes bright purple (or any bright color for that matter).

Mail order dinosaurs are NOT a good birthday present for Hagrid. No matter how much discount you get on them.

Asking professor Flitwick where Snow White is is not permitted.

I will not attempt to breed a liger.

"Springtime for Voldemort“ is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

I will not call Lucius Malfoy "Jareth“.

Sir Cadogan is not one of the knight who say "Ni“.

I will not remind Voldemort every time i see him that its not Halloween.

I am not allowed to wear "Snape for DADA“ buttons.

I will not ask professor Snape about Batman‘s cape...or Robin.

I am not allowed to yell "Furball!“ every time Mcgonagall coughs.

I will NEVER put Fred, George, Peeves and the Marauders in one room just to see what happens.

I am not allowed to recommend Snape to Extreme Makeover (both editions).

I am not allowed to say that Cedric was amazed by the TriWizard finale.

I will not tell professor Snape to find his Feminine side (or male...or....whatever!).

And finally: under any condition, in any occasion or circumstance am i allowed to ever (ever!) try to be funny while in Hogwarts.